Katherine puts the fun in funeral
by CasMyAssbutt
Summary: Jyler (BROtp) & Klaroline & Forwood-ish & Kalijah: Tyler is sad, Klaus and Caroline talk about sex, Jeremy kind of likes the handcuffs, and Katherine weasels her way into the centre of it all. Set 4x14.


**a/n -** This started as me word-hugging Tyler Lockwood (THE HATERS GONNA HATE, HATE, HATE, BUT I'M JUST GONNA SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE IT OFF) and then Jerbear appeared and then Klaroline weaselled their way in so here you go, just a little Fun-Shot.

.

.

.

What's black with red all over? Klaus Mikaelson's _soul_. Well, the red is— the blood on his— look, he never said he was smart, okay? Considering now he's going to the bastard's house to collect a sword that was used to murder his friends — his _pack_ — he must have lost his brain completely.

Alright, it helps Elena. But why is that so important? Don't get him wrong, he wants to help Elena. He's always felt a connection between himself and Elena. They have been through a lot of the same shit. He thinks they could have been good friends— if she didn't hate him, of course.

Not that he understands why. Not the wanting to be human thing, that he understands. But why she can't just suck it up like the rest of them. Yeah, Caroline would kill him if he voiced this out loud but Caroline herself has been so strong through all of this and she never wanted to be a bloodsucker. It wasn't exactly one of his main goals in life, either. But they learned and adapted. So why can't Elena?

So this sounds bad— Caroline would definitely think it sounded bad. She's into that whole putting others first thing. Not that he doesn't care! In fact, he admires her for caring so much. It's just that she doesn't realise that she sacrifices too much for the sake of Elena Gilbert. Frankly, they all have—_do_. And he's not complaining or anything — or, not to anyone else — but he isn't particularly looking forward to touching the sword that was, not twenty four hours ago, slicing and dicing his family.

Yes, they _were_ his family. So he didn't know their birthdays or their middle names, they understood him and that's more than his real family ever did. He loved his mother, of course he did, and he hates that he's already saying 'loved'. He hates that he has to say it in the past tense at all.

Klaus ruined his life. It wasn't much of a life, but he did ruin it. He took — and he's still taking — everything from him. His life (see: snapped neck), his freedom (see: sire bond), his mother (on _Christmas_), his— well, Caroline is most certainly not an object, nor would she stand for him calling her one, but he does like to think of her as his. She is _his_ girlfriend. She did chose _him_. Which of course surprised him because beside Matt what was he but a furry hormonal douche?

Saying that, he's better now. Or, he tried to be better. For Caroline. He wanted to be someone she'd be proud to walk down the street with, someone she could rely on, someone she could be comfortable with. But that all fell apart when his thoughts changed to a Klaus-centred— _dickfest_. He knew it, too, which was worse. He knew he was falling back into 'old Tyler'.

He used to bully and mock but he's going to put that on 'pre-werewolf Tyler'. The angsty teen with anger issues. He never liked that guy, even when he was him— _especially_ when he was him.

"Alright, where would a thousand year old psycho hide—_Jeremy_?"

"Sup."

Tyler blinks. "Aren't you supposed to be on the island?"

"Yup."

Tyler blinks again. "Dude, what the hell?"

.

.

.

"It's taking him quite a while, isn't it?"

She ignores him.

"Wonder if he stopped for chips on the way."

She ignores him.

"Or perhaps he just can't find it."

She turns to the next page of her magazine.

A sort sigh echoes through the room. Caroline smiles a little, her back still facing him. She wipes it off her face as her phone buzzes.

_Care, haven't found sword yet._

_Jer here—handcuffed._

_Talk 2 Klaus? X_

"Now isn't that quite the predicament." Caroline jumps as she feels his breath right on her neck— _right on._ She mentally kicks herself for not noticing that she had been leaning against the coffee table right along the edge of the living room. He could have vamped over to her at any time. He could have snapped her neck and she wouldn't have seen anything coming. But, of course, he waits until he has a reason to and smirks as her nose bumps his (seriously, _right on_).

.

.

.

"Why did you add an _x_?" Jeremy chortles.

"I dunno," Tyler shrugs. "She likes that kind of thing."

Jeremy raises his eyebrows but says nothing. Tyler continues destroying Klaus' bedroom. "I'm just making sure I give it a thorough search," he says as the bed falls through the floor into the living room.

.

.

.

Caroline hits redial for the third time. "Ugh! Goddammit Rebekah!"

"She's probably fucking the Ripper."

"Um—ew!" Caroline shakes her head.

"What's wrong with having a little taste if you desire it?" And he is _not_ actually referring to him biting her last night, is he?

_Answer ur phone!_

"Yes, Klaus, because I'm sure you just love to imagine your ex-bestie and sister nakedly grinding against one another."

_Elena, whoever is with u isn't Jeremy!_

"Do you?"

She furrows her eyebrows. "Do I what?"

"Have promiscuous dreams about Stefan and my sister?"

_Why am I talking about sex with Klaus?_

Caroline quickly backspaces that. Imagine if she had sent that to Rebekah? Awkward.

"I don't have sex dreams about your sister, Klaus." Caroline widens her eyes and shakes her head.

"But you do have them about Stefan?"

"What?" She whips around to face him. "No— Look, what are you even doing? Normally I'd have figured out what your game plan is by now but you're just—what? Trying to get me horny?"

He smirks. "That wasn't my intention but if I have accidentally aroused you—"

"Woah, woah, woah!" She holds out her hand. "Okay, I have so much to deal with right now and none of it leaves time for your—Klaus-ness."

He places a hand over his heart. "You've broken it so much it's not even beating."

She rolls her eyes. "It was _never_ beating."

"Au contraire mon cheri—" She flails her hand at him.

"And just when I thought I'd seen it all," Caroline's eyes snap to the open front door. "But then there's Little Me molesting _the_ psychotic hybrid's nose."

"I am not Little _You_—"

"Katerina," Klaus growls. She smiles cheekily at him, never stepping from her fleeing point by the doorway though.

"Hey, I've only come as a plus one." Klaus grits his teeth. Even though he looks angry Caroline, in this situation, feels safest next to Klaus (and isn't that just a big fat bowl of wrong?).

"Where _is_ my brother?"

Katherine grins. "Parking the car."

.

.

.

_Did u find it?_

"Caroline wants to know if you—"

"Found it!"

"Okay, then—"

"Oh, nope. Klaus has a _lot_ of swords."

Jeremy shrugs. "I'm not surprised." He swings the handcuffs around his index finger as he tosses a book away. He plucks the next one from the dusty box and tosses that one away too. Well, there's no point of snooping through a book he can't actually _read_. Oh, is that a diary?

.

.

.

Klaus slumps on the couch, angrily listening (because he's actually made that a thing) for his brother's footsteps.

"So, have you slept with Stefan yet?"

Caroline rolls her eyes and Klaus snaps his upwards to watch her. Instead of denying anything Caroline takes the opportunity to play a sweet little game with her _beloved maker_.

"Aren't you with Elijah now? How would he feel about your keen interest in your exes?" Look at her using words like _keen_. What has Klaus done to her?— Uh, nothing! Klaus has done nothing to her, Tyler, she promises!

Katherine purses her lips. "I've been gone a while. I just wanted to catch up with all the gossip."

"Okay. Elena, unfortunately dead. You, unfortunately not. There. That's pretty much it."

Katherine pauses. "So that's a no?" Elijah walks in the door and Katherine plants a huge innocent smile on her face.

Elijah raises an eyebrow. "I would have imagined you would be less _smiley_ at our brother's death, Niklaus." Caroline turns around just in time to miss the smile directed at her.

"Oh, those lips don't get any rest these days, 'Lijah." Katherine smirks at Klaus who glares back. Elijah looks at Katherine like 'what have you not told me _now_?'. Caroline feels awkward. Her phone buzzes.

_Still looking, baby._

_Can't seem to see it—Klaus' sword must be really small._

_DTF l8r? XOXO_

Caroline chokes.

_Jeremy?_

Her phone buzzes.

_;)_

Caroline closes her eyes and shakes her head, all in good humour.

"Have they found it?" Her head snaps up to the present company. She smiles sheepishly.

"Not yet."

"It no longer matters," Elijah says, "We do not know who is posing as Jeremy Gilbert—let alone how they are doing it."

"I do." Klaus admits. They all look at him expectantly. He says nothing.

"Oh, for God sake, tell us!" Caroline huffs.

He smirks. "I seem to be too thirsty to remember." She glares at him.

"You're plenty full."

"Perhaps I'm just greedy."

"Oh, tell me something I don't know."

"Niklaus slept with a figurine of a horse until the age of fourteen." Katherine and Caroline burst out laughing.

"Elijah!" Klaus growls.

Caroline's phone rings and she quickly answers. "Rebekah? Oh my god are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thanks, love."

"You as in plural." Caroline deadpans.

"All fine and rainbow-eyed." She says drily. Caroline presumes she's glaring at 'Delena'. "We encountered a shapeshifter—" Caroline blanches, "—seemingly a descendant from the one Nik and I killed in the 1800's." She side-eyes Klaus. He sends her an innocent smile. "Looks like we'll be returning without the cure though." Caroline forgets to pretend that upsets her. Klaus and Katherine both notice this (sly scumbags). "Give my brother a kiss for me. We'll be back tomorrow night." She hangs up.

"Sooooo," Katherine purses her lips, "funeral?"

.

.

.

Elijah, Katherine with Jeremy on her arm (_not_ willingly), and Tyler settle in the graveyard.

"Is this a good angle?" Caroline sighs in exasperation.

"Katherine, all I can see are your boobs."

"That's all anyone can see." Jeremy mutters, Katherine pecks his cheek. He gags and tries to pull himself away again but to no avail. Katherine clicks the button that changes from front camera to back.

"Why do I have to dig?" Tyler complains, shoving the shovel further into the dirt. "You're the Original!" And doesn't he have enough problems with those already, but no, Tyler, you go ahead and continue sassing the professional murderer. His big mouth really doesn't make things any easier for himself sometimes. The man may wear a suit and hold himself like he's above it but Tyler knows he could vamp over and rip his heart out in a matter of seconds if he wanted to.

Elijah adjusts his cuffs. He changed into a different suit just for the occasion. "Exactly," he says. Tyler freezes for moment thinking that he read his mind. He lifts the shovel out of the ground, shaking his head. Originals can't read minds—right? Tyler shivers at the thought of Klaus and Caroline alone in Elena's living room. Originals better not be able to read minds. And he better keep a closer ear on that Skype conversation.

"Katherine, your finger hit off the switch camera button again, your boobs are back in the spotlight—are those _handcuffs_ hanging out of your pocket?"

Or, maybe not.

"'Lijah, I don't _need_ to go back to rehab! I confiscated them off Little Gilbert, I swear!"

.

.

.


End file.
